Last Monday was my first official day as a stay at home mom. I wasn't planning to go full on "mom mode" right away, though; the plan is for the kids to finish the month in daycare, giving me two weeks to attend to the packing and cleaning without helpful little hands.
On Sunday, Elijah started throwing up at 3am. He continued this pattern into Sunday afternoon, which meant he would have to stay home with me on Monday. That's ok, I can be flexible. I had my Monday packed full of long, tedious errands (think DMV lines) not suitable for a baby, so Sunday evening, I quickly rearranged my schedule with a couple light errands and a lot of chores at home.
Elijah and I got up Monday morning and dropped the rest of the family off at daycare. From there, we drove back to RSM and stopped at Starbucks. Mommy got coffee, and Bean got to watch the fountain in the courtyard. Looking at the time, I realized we had half an hour to kill before the post office opened, so we decided to stroll through Target. I had some birthday money to spend, and since my casual wardrobe consists of one pair of jeans and a handful of T-shirts, I hit the clearance racks to look for some clothes more suited to my new home life.
I was actually finding some things I really liked, placing them in the cart to try on. Then I got a text from Omar, "Come get William." All the clothes went back on the rack, and Elijah and I drove back to the daycare to get William who had caught Elijah's stomach bug. I decided to take Joy, too, so I wouldn't have to make a third trip later.
The day really peaked at lunch time. William was not hungry and asked to go upstairs and lie down. As I was serving Joy and Bean, I heard William start retching and ran upstairs to find him standing in the middle of his room throwing up. As I rubbed his back and calmed him down, I heard Joy start crying and retching downstairs. William hadn't eaten anything else, so he really didn't bring up much, but Joy made a mess. I got both kids cleaned up and into bed, then put on rubber gloves and started cleaning the dining room floor, chair, and table. This whole time, Elijah was rather unhappy about being left in his high chair and screamed at me the entire time I was trying to clean up.
I tried to get some work done while the kids were napping. Just as the kids all started to wake up and move to the couch to watch a movie, I felt the waves of nausea starting to hit. My first episode of vomiting was memorable as I leaned over the toilet while holding the baby back with one arm while he tried to see what new game Mommy was playing.
From that point on, I could barely get off the couch. I was so grateful to see Omar arrive home. He made chicken and rice soup for dinner, but Elijah was the only one who wanted to eat. And shortly after dinner, the stomach bug got Omar. I ended up calling my mom and asking her to come put the baby to bed. My mom offered to take Elijah for the night, but I thought it would be too much trouble in the morning since he expects to nurse as soon as he wakes up. I immediately regretted that decision. Elijah woke up half an hour after my mom left. It took Omar and I ten minutes to get down the hallway into the room, and I ended up sleeping on the floor with Elijah for an hour and a half because I couldn't get back up.
Tuesday morning, every one was feeling mostly recovered, enough to start eating a few cheerios at least. However, the rhythm of the week was thrown off. I got no packing or cleaning or any moving preparations done. My dad came to visit, and the kids and I spent Wednesday and Thursday with him. Friday, I was very busy trying to catch up on my coding.
I have this wonderful idealistic vision of our life in Texas when I will be a stay at home mom. I'll rise early and have some quiet time before cooking a healthy breakfast for my family and sending my husband off to work. Then I will fill the kids' days with creative academics and fun field trips to libraries and museums, while getting work done during quiet time in the afternoon. I'll have a daily house keeping schedule to follow, and have wonderful meal plans every week.
Now if all of you who are already stay at home moms are done laughing at me, let me just say, at least I've learned my lesson early! Staying home with the kids is going to teach me how to be a lot more flexible. I'll do my best to plan and clean and keep life going smoothly, but with 3 kids, life will definitely be unpredictable!
Monday, June 24, 2013
Thursday, June 13, 2013
The "Lasts"
Less than a month until moving day. Already, I am starting to feel a little weepy and sentimental just thinking about all the "lasts" that are coming up. I'm getting through by focusing on on the "firsts" that are heading our way, but we've got to get through the "lasts" to get to the "firsts."
Last Friday was the kids' last talent show and carnival with Arbor Christian School. I'm grateful for the time they have spent there, and the friends they have made. William's class recited scripture and sang a song. Joy's class recited the Hungry, Hungry Caterpillar (Joy held the caterpillar). Then they played in the bouncy house, going down the slide over and over and over again.
This is my last week at work. I will miss the lovely ladies working in the office with me and all the field clinicians, too. This was my first "real" job. I started in college as a part time medical records file clerk. I've advanced to CRC, then coder, plus Allscripts Superuser. I've been under 3 different managers, and made it through the dreaded EMR transition. Through long talks with Frankie, and lunch chats with Debi, meetings, and office parties, I've learned so much, about work and about life.
Yesterday was the kids' last appointments at Mia Bella Pediatrics. I've loved Mia Bella from the first moment I called to schedule a prenatal consultation, and a live person picked up the phone on the first ring. They have taken such great care of all 3 of my kids. There is always a doctor available by phone who knows my child (even at 2am in the morning, and yes, I have tested that!). When William was in the hospital at 5 months old, Dr. McNulty visited every day that she was working and coordinated care with the hospitalist as we prepared to discharge. I plan to take a big plate of cookies or something to say thank you when I go back next week to pick up the kids' medical records.
I don't even want to think about some of the lasts coming up. They are just going to get harder and harder. Last Sunday at church. Last time with my parents. Last dinners with friends. Everything is changing so fast. All of a sudden, it seems like the move is just around the corner, and I can't keep up.
The kids are finishing out the month in daycare. These next two weeks, I will be home by myself during the day. I'll be picking up some extra cash doing some per diem coding for St. Joseph and some extra charts for QIRT, but my focus will be the packing and cleaning; so much to do!
Don't tell anyone, but I'm planning to sneak in just a little "me" time, too. The first day I do some coding for St. Joseph, I plan to do it at a coffee shop. I've always wanted to see what it was like to sit in a coffee shop and work; it just seems kind of glamorous. And I love coffee. I also plan to take advantage of the quiet house for a relaxing hot bath one day. Just a few moments to help keep my sanity as we seem to be hurdling at breakneck speed into chaos. Controlled chaos, in a moving truck.
Last Friday was the kids' last talent show and carnival with Arbor Christian School. I'm grateful for the time they have spent there, and the friends they have made. William's class recited scripture and sang a song. Joy's class recited the Hungry, Hungry Caterpillar (Joy held the caterpillar). Then they played in the bouncy house, going down the slide over and over and over again.
This is my last week at work. I will miss the lovely ladies working in the office with me and all the field clinicians, too. This was my first "real" job. I started in college as a part time medical records file clerk. I've advanced to CRC, then coder, plus Allscripts Superuser. I've been under 3 different managers, and made it through the dreaded EMR transition. Through long talks with Frankie, and lunch chats with Debi, meetings, and office parties, I've learned so much, about work and about life.
Yesterday was the kids' last appointments at Mia Bella Pediatrics. I've loved Mia Bella from the first moment I called to schedule a prenatal consultation, and a live person picked up the phone on the first ring. They have taken such great care of all 3 of my kids. There is always a doctor available by phone who knows my child (even at 2am in the morning, and yes, I have tested that!). When William was in the hospital at 5 months old, Dr. McNulty visited every day that she was working and coordinated care with the hospitalist as we prepared to discharge. I plan to take a big plate of cookies or something to say thank you when I go back next week to pick up the kids' medical records.
I don't even want to think about some of the lasts coming up. They are just going to get harder and harder. Last Sunday at church. Last time with my parents. Last dinners with friends. Everything is changing so fast. All of a sudden, it seems like the move is just around the corner, and I can't keep up.
The kids are finishing out the month in daycare. These next two weeks, I will be home by myself during the day. I'll be picking up some extra cash doing some per diem coding for St. Joseph and some extra charts for QIRT, but my focus will be the packing and cleaning; so much to do!
Don't tell anyone, but I'm planning to sneak in just a little "me" time, too. The first day I do some coding for St. Joseph, I plan to do it at a coffee shop. I've always wanted to see what it was like to sit in a coffee shop and work; it just seems kind of glamorous. And I love coffee. I also plan to take advantage of the quiet house for a relaxing hot bath one day. Just a few moments to help keep my sanity as we seem to be hurdling at breakneck speed into chaos. Controlled chaos, in a moving truck.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Grace
This post had been on my heart for a week, but now sitting in front of my computer, the words aren't coming easy. This is a topic that has reached so far into so many aspects of our lives recently; God has been speaking to us and teaching us, and it's hard to contain all of it in a simple post.
God has been teaching us about giving grace. As we've dealt with some people in the last few weeks, we have felt hurt, we have even felt anger, and God has told us, repeatedly, to show grace. To show love. It's really hard. I have to admit, sometimes it feels good to just be angry, especially when I think I'm right. Giving grace means letting go of the anger, accepting apologies. Moving on without a grudge. Love keeps no record of wrong, right?
There was a harder lesson to learn, though. We've also had to learn to accept grace. It sounds easier, but it starts with letting go of our pride; being humble and admitting where we are wrong. And we've had to come face to face with that reality in our parenting. There have been several nights where Omar and I have laid back on the bed and just talked, feeling horrible after one of us has had a "bad parent" moment, and struggling with forgiving ourselves and accepting God's grace to move on.
Seriously, sometimes I feel like a bipolar parent. One minute, I am the model mother: calm and collected, lovingly correcting my kids and moving them through the routines of the day. The next moment, I've snapped, yelling and stomping around like I'm a kid myself. Most people who know me would never think I have the type of temper I let loose in front of my kids sometimes. Even in the middle of it, I recognize it, and it's such a struggle to reign it in and get control. And afterwards, I'm horribly embarrassed by the way I've behaved.
Lately, I've been dialoguing a lot with William about good choices and bad choices. We always have a choice between good and bad. Sometimes it's really hard to choose good; doing bad just seems easier. Even superheroes make bad choices sometimes. This was a hard point for William to digest, but it was a great conversation talking about how God is the only one who is all good all the time. I've been trying to teach him to take it to God; God has the power to help him make good choices and do good things. How rewarding it has been to see him lose his temper, go into his room to pray, and come back out with an apology and improved attitude! There's one of my "perfect mommy" moments.
But though my words have been right, I have fallen very short in modeling those behaviors to my children. This, this is where I need God's grace most deeply in my life. When I have to take my son on my lap with a hug and a kiss, and tell him I was wrong, and apologize for being such a mean mommy. I have to ask God to forgive me and give me grace. And then I have to accept it. I have to accept that God will give me grace, that He will forgive me, and I have to allow Him to give that grace and continue to work on me and through me as I mother my children.
In those moments when I am weakest, when my temper is flying out of my control, that's where God's grace is strongest. Even as I am teaching my son how to fall back on God, God is teaching me the same thing. In the middle of my tantrum, I'll hear His voice, "Let go." Let go of my pride; let go of my anger. Accept His grace in that moment, so I can teach my kids to do the same.
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9 (ESV)
God has been teaching us about giving grace. As we've dealt with some people in the last few weeks, we have felt hurt, we have even felt anger, and God has told us, repeatedly, to show grace. To show love. It's really hard. I have to admit, sometimes it feels good to just be angry, especially when I think I'm right. Giving grace means letting go of the anger, accepting apologies. Moving on without a grudge. Love keeps no record of wrong, right?
There was a harder lesson to learn, though. We've also had to learn to accept grace. It sounds easier, but it starts with letting go of our pride; being humble and admitting where we are wrong. And we've had to come face to face with that reality in our parenting. There have been several nights where Omar and I have laid back on the bed and just talked, feeling horrible after one of us has had a "bad parent" moment, and struggling with forgiving ourselves and accepting God's grace to move on.
Seriously, sometimes I feel like a bipolar parent. One minute, I am the model mother: calm and collected, lovingly correcting my kids and moving them through the routines of the day. The next moment, I've snapped, yelling and stomping around like I'm a kid myself. Most people who know me would never think I have the type of temper I let loose in front of my kids sometimes. Even in the middle of it, I recognize it, and it's such a struggle to reign it in and get control. And afterwards, I'm horribly embarrassed by the way I've behaved.
Lately, I've been dialoguing a lot with William about good choices and bad choices. We always have a choice between good and bad. Sometimes it's really hard to choose good; doing bad just seems easier. Even superheroes make bad choices sometimes. This was a hard point for William to digest, but it was a great conversation talking about how God is the only one who is all good all the time. I've been trying to teach him to take it to God; God has the power to help him make good choices and do good things. How rewarding it has been to see him lose his temper, go into his room to pray, and come back out with an apology and improved attitude! There's one of my "perfect mommy" moments.
But though my words have been right, I have fallen very short in modeling those behaviors to my children. This, this is where I need God's grace most deeply in my life. When I have to take my son on my lap with a hug and a kiss, and tell him I was wrong, and apologize for being such a mean mommy. I have to ask God to forgive me and give me grace. And then I have to accept it. I have to accept that God will give me grace, that He will forgive me, and I have to allow Him to give that grace and continue to work on me and through me as I mother my children.
In those moments when I am weakest, when my temper is flying out of my control, that's where God's grace is strongest. Even as I am teaching my son how to fall back on God, God is teaching me the same thing. In the middle of my tantrum, I'll hear His voice, "Let go." Let go of my pride; let go of my anger. Accept His grace in that moment, so I can teach my kids to do the same.
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9 (ESV)
Friday, May 24, 2013
Discouragement
I have the best intentions of keeping up this blog with at least one post every week. Really. I will.
But already, on just the third week, I've been putting off writing anything. I've been saying I don't have a focused topic, and I don't just want to ramble. But I think the real problem is that I am just feeling down and discouraged this week.
Lack of sleep never helps my frame of mind. Monday night I was up past midnight working, and then my darling baby thought 3:30am was a great time to start the day.
But really, as upbeat and positive as I've been so far on this blog, talking about our move and God's plans for us, I need you all to know that this isn't easy. As hard as things may be in California right now, Texas is not an easy way out. Texas was never in our plans. Now, not only is Texas in our plans, but it is very suddenly and prominently in our plans, and everything is rolling ahead faster than I can keep up.
I've given my notice at work. Omar is giving our official notice to our landlord. We got a quote on the Honda for much more than we were expecting; we will probably sell it to Carmax this weekend. Omar is working on a possible job opportunity with Best Buy. Omar's dad is coming out to help us get moved. We picked a moving date. July 9. Good bye, California.
There are things we'll miss. Superficial things like In 'N Out, Disneyland, the weather, the San Diego Zoo and Safari Park (or really anything San Diego, it's our favorite place for a quick road trip). Some things run deeper. Family: we'll be leaving Omar's sister and my parents and sister. Our church. It's going to hurt to leave these people. It makes me sad when I dwell on these things.
But the thing that has really discouraged me this week are some people's attitudes and response to our news. Overwhelmingly, our friends and family have supported us and been enthusiastic for us. But there have been a few, and it just happens to be people whose opinions are important to me, who have been very discouraging. They've gone so far as to say that it sounds like we're just giving up, that we are tired and tired of working. They've even implied that we are being irresponsible parents and don't have a plan to provide for our kids if we move to Texas because we are giving up our jobs here. Their words have hurt me deeply, and my heart has been heavy this week.
We are doing the best we possibly can for our family. We love California, and finally admitting that we need to leave was hard for us to do. If we weren't fully convinced that our family would benefit so much from this, we wouldn't do it. Not only are we "escaping" the high cost of living in California, we are leaving the culture of California: something we need not only for our kids, but for ourselves as well. No, we don't have all the answers yet. Yes, we are moving on faith. But moving on faith doesn't mean we are sitting back, hoping for the best. We are working as hard as we can to figure it all out, doing what we need to do, and rejoicing and praising God every time He meets us where we are and fulfills another need.
My husband has been my rock this week. He knows me so well; he can look at me and know how discouraged I'm feeling, and how stressed out I am. Besides dealing with a sad heart this week, I've also had a frustratingly busy week with my work from home job. Omar has been shouldering more responsibility with the kids and home to give me time to get my work done. And he has constantly been asking me, "What do you need?" and then providing it; anything from a bowl of cereal at midnight so I have the energy to do one more chart audit, to a hug and shoulder to cry on when I just can't handle anything else.
And he has encouraged me and reminded me that we are doing the right thing. Moving to Texas is hard, and some times people's attitudes make it harder. But if we are following God's will and allowing Him to work in our lives, it's going to make us stronger.
"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:3-5 (NIV)
But already, on just the third week, I've been putting off writing anything. I've been saying I don't have a focused topic, and I don't just want to ramble. But I think the real problem is that I am just feeling down and discouraged this week.
Lack of sleep never helps my frame of mind. Monday night I was up past midnight working, and then my darling baby thought 3:30am was a great time to start the day.
But really, as upbeat and positive as I've been so far on this blog, talking about our move and God's plans for us, I need you all to know that this isn't easy. As hard as things may be in California right now, Texas is not an easy way out. Texas was never in our plans. Now, not only is Texas in our plans, but it is very suddenly and prominently in our plans, and everything is rolling ahead faster than I can keep up.
I've given my notice at work. Omar is giving our official notice to our landlord. We got a quote on the Honda for much more than we were expecting; we will probably sell it to Carmax this weekend. Omar is working on a possible job opportunity with Best Buy. Omar's dad is coming out to help us get moved. We picked a moving date. July 9. Good bye, California.
There are things we'll miss. Superficial things like In 'N Out, Disneyland, the weather, the San Diego Zoo and Safari Park (or really anything San Diego, it's our favorite place for a quick road trip). Some things run deeper. Family: we'll be leaving Omar's sister and my parents and sister. Our church. It's going to hurt to leave these people. It makes me sad when I dwell on these things.
But the thing that has really discouraged me this week are some people's attitudes and response to our news. Overwhelmingly, our friends and family have supported us and been enthusiastic for us. But there have been a few, and it just happens to be people whose opinions are important to me, who have been very discouraging. They've gone so far as to say that it sounds like we're just giving up, that we are tired and tired of working. They've even implied that we are being irresponsible parents and don't have a plan to provide for our kids if we move to Texas because we are giving up our jobs here. Their words have hurt me deeply, and my heart has been heavy this week.
We are doing the best we possibly can for our family. We love California, and finally admitting that we need to leave was hard for us to do. If we weren't fully convinced that our family would benefit so much from this, we wouldn't do it. Not only are we "escaping" the high cost of living in California, we are leaving the culture of California: something we need not only for our kids, but for ourselves as well. No, we don't have all the answers yet. Yes, we are moving on faith. But moving on faith doesn't mean we are sitting back, hoping for the best. We are working as hard as we can to figure it all out, doing what we need to do, and rejoicing and praising God every time He meets us where we are and fulfills another need.
My husband has been my rock this week. He knows me so well; he can look at me and know how discouraged I'm feeling, and how stressed out I am. Besides dealing with a sad heart this week, I've also had a frustratingly busy week with my work from home job. Omar has been shouldering more responsibility with the kids and home to give me time to get my work done. And he has constantly been asking me, "What do you need?" and then providing it; anything from a bowl of cereal at midnight so I have the energy to do one more chart audit, to a hug and shoulder to cry on when I just can't handle anything else.
And he has encouraged me and reminded me that we are doing the right thing. Moving to Texas is hard, and some times people's attitudes make it harder. But if we are following God's will and allowing Him to work in our lives, it's going to make us stronger.
"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:3-5 (NIV)
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
When God Says "Go!"
I am an expert worrier. Seriously, no training or anything, it just comes to me naturally. I could go pro. So the minute we decided to move, sitting out in the middle of the driveway in the cool evening, baby wrapped in a blanket on my lap, I started worrying about it. I haven't waivered in our decision, but even though I know we are following in God's plan, and I know this is happening, I still worry about all the details. Where are we going to get the money for a move? Should we get a truck and move ourselves? How are we going to have time to pack? Should we wait until January when our lease is up? What about our health insurance? How will the kids react? How will we leave our church? Where will I get Elijah's one year immunizations done?
I even went so far as to suggest to Omar that we should just wait until January to move, when our lease has expired, and maybe we'll be able to save some money and plan out some details to make the move easier. His response:
"You know what happens to people who wait once God has told them to go? They end up wandering in the wilderness for 40 years!"
Oh, how I love my husband! God has truly blessed me with a man of faith.
So we are going. We haven't picked the exact date yet, but it will definitely be the beginning of July. Omar's last day at the daycare is June 28. I am planning for my last day at work to be June 14 so I can finish the packing and stuff. My request to work part time was denied; I can't handle the non-stop work anymore, and I am ready to go. And when God has called us to do something, He opens the doors.
Omar called the rental company to ask about breaking our lease. This was one of our bigger roadblocks. Turns out, they don't really care. We have to pay for a carpet cleaning and paint touch up, but they expect the house to be leased again right away.
I also just discovered that USAA partners with Assurant Health to offer some very affordable health insurance options. USAA is one of my favorite companies; they've always treated us so well with our car and renter's insurance. We can get short term or long term family health insurance depending on what we decide our final needs are. I will take all 3 kids to our pediatrician for a final check up June 12 before we move, then request copies of all their medical records. If we don't find a pediatrician in Texas right away, I can visit the public health department to get Elijah's one year immunizations done.
God has also shown us He will provide the money for the move, but we are still gathering resources. We are currently evaluating the costs of different moving options (the two big choices are Uhaul or Pods). We will be selling the Honda. Omar's parents have offered a car to use, so that will be a little extra money for the move, as well as one less big thing to move.
In so many small ways, the details are falling in place. We have received so much encouragement from friends and families, and even just acquaintances. It is very apparent that God is in this and is working. And He's taking my worry, and giving me peace. I can honestly say, I have never felt God's presence and guidance in my life as strongly as I have these last couple of weeks.
"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30
Thank you to all our family and friends who have been so supportive. Many of you have expressed sadness to see us go, but at the same time rejoicing with us at this new opportunity, excited to see what God has planned for us in Texas!
I even went so far as to suggest to Omar that we should just wait until January to move, when our lease has expired, and maybe we'll be able to save some money and plan out some details to make the move easier. His response:
"You know what happens to people who wait once God has told them to go? They end up wandering in the wilderness for 40 years!"
Oh, how I love my husband! God has truly blessed me with a man of faith.
So we are going. We haven't picked the exact date yet, but it will definitely be the beginning of July. Omar's last day at the daycare is June 28. I am planning for my last day at work to be June 14 so I can finish the packing and stuff. My request to work part time was denied; I can't handle the non-stop work anymore, and I am ready to go. And when God has called us to do something, He opens the doors.
Omar called the rental company to ask about breaking our lease. This was one of our bigger roadblocks. Turns out, they don't really care. We have to pay for a carpet cleaning and paint touch up, but they expect the house to be leased again right away.
I also just discovered that USAA partners with Assurant Health to offer some very affordable health insurance options. USAA is one of my favorite companies; they've always treated us so well with our car and renter's insurance. We can get short term or long term family health insurance depending on what we decide our final needs are. I will take all 3 kids to our pediatrician for a final check up June 12 before we move, then request copies of all their medical records. If we don't find a pediatrician in Texas right away, I can visit the public health department to get Elijah's one year immunizations done.
God has also shown us He will provide the money for the move, but we are still gathering resources. We are currently evaluating the costs of different moving options (the two big choices are Uhaul or Pods). We will be selling the Honda. Omar's parents have offered a car to use, so that will be a little extra money for the move, as well as one less big thing to move.
In so many small ways, the details are falling in place. We have received so much encouragement from friends and families, and even just acquaintances. It is very apparent that God is in this and is working. And He's taking my worry, and giving me peace. I can honestly say, I have never felt God's presence and guidance in my life as strongly as I have these last couple of weeks.
"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30
Thank you to all our family and friends who have been so supportive. Many of you have expressed sadness to see us go, but at the same time rejoicing with us at this new opportunity, excited to see what God has planned for us in Texas!
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Why?
We are a family of 5: my husband Omar, myself, and my 3 kids. William is 4; Joy is 2; and Elijah is 10 months. We live in Orange County, California, in a nice 2 bedroom townhome a block from the lake. Omar teaches pre-K at a private Christian preschool; all 3 of our kids attend for free. I work fulltime for a home health agency as a coder/tech support, and do chart audits part time in the evenings from home for an outsource auditing company. We belong to a wonderful Southern Baptist church.
I guess on the outside, our life looks great. So why the big changes? How do I even start to explain? If we try to break it down to the two simplest/biggest reasons, it would be finances and homeschooling.
Financially, we have fallen into a hole. We've had some life circumstances that have made things difficult, but I also have to be honest and admit we have not always made the wisest choices with our money. Sometimes, there is so much going on now, that we forget to plan for the later. At the moment, we are getting by...but just barely. And we'd like to do more than just get by. We'd like to pull ourselves together, get ourselves out of debt, and on the road to a more secure financial future. With the cost of living in California, it's almost impossible. Omar's parents live in Texas. They've offered us a 3 bedroom house to rent for almost half of what we are paying for our 2 bedroom townhome. Tempting? Very. But it's been offered before, and we've declined. Now, we've reached a new point of desperation in our financial situation, plus, bringing us to our second big reason, we have arrived at the decision to homeschool.
Homeschooling, to me, is a very simplified way of saying, "I want to be in my kids' lives, in a big way." I want to be more than coming home in the evening to see my kids for a couple of hours: "Hi, how was your day? What did you learn? Have some dinner. I love you. Good night." Drastically oversimplified, I know, but some nights, that's exactly what it feels like. We could go into how I am terrified of the direction our public school system is heading, and how I do not want my kids in public school and can't afford private school. It's a big part of our decision, it's true, but it's really just a side note to the fact that I am still only just realizing the full meaning of how God has blessed me with these children, entrusted them to my care, and called me to raise them, and I can't do that when I only see them 3 hours a day.
I have spent the last 4 years making excuses. I don't have the temperament to be a stay at home mom: while this may be true on the surface, I believe that God has called me for this, and He has the power to change me. I believe I will find more challenge and reward in this than I ever have at my desk job. I love my job: while I believe that God has used these last 4 years to give me the experience and knowledge that is helping me make this transition now (by enabling me to gain a work from home job), I also believe He is telling me this time in my life is over. I don't love my job anymore; the days are tedious, and I miss my kids. At least the kids are with Dad at daycare; it's almost like a stay at home parent: I can't believe I even tried to use this argument. We can't afford it: this has always been my trump card. Most arguments for a parent staying home ride on the theory that you save money on childcare; my kids have been attending daycare for free, so this argument has been invalid. We would just be losing income. Also, if I quit my full time job, we lose our health insurance (this is a big, scary thing for me; I've done private individual health insurance before; it was a horrible, bad experience.). But it has become important enough to us now to make the effort and stir us out of our comfort zone and do what we have to do to make this happen.
We got started on a slippery slope, and once we gained momentum, we couldn't stop. When William was born, I was working part time. Soon I started picking up more hours until finally switching to full time (health insurance played a big factor in the decision). Then I started getting promoted and taking on more job responsibilities that even included after hour and weekend on call. As money started getting tight, I picked up a second job. Now I work at least 10 hours most weekdays, plus some on the weekend. My husband has felt trapped in a job he no longer loves because we depend on the free childcare. If we cut back on work hours, we can't pay the bills. But working so many hours, we don't have time for anything else.
On a typical weekday, the alarm goes off around 5:30. We probably didn't go to bed until midnight, and at least one of us was probably up at least once with at least one of the children sometime during the night, so the snooze button gets hit. A lot. By the time we all get up and start getting ready, we are already late. We rush around and snap at the kids, and I feel very accomplished if I just get everyone out the door without forgetting anything and without yelling (too much). Then it's work/daycare from 8am to 5pm. Every now and then, my husband and I manage to coordinate our lunch breaks and spend a half hour together. Lately, I've been trying to get out of work as early as possible to take the kids to the park or walk around the lake. Usually, we all get home at 5pm or later. If it's a good week, I've planned dinner and all goes fairly smoothly. On a bad week, I have no idea what's for dinner, and the evenings look a lot like the morning as we all scramble around to try to find something to eat and still get the kids to bed at a decent hour. The kids go to bed around 8, and then I sit at my computer for 2-3 (sometimes 4) hours doing chart audits, while my husband cleans the kitchen and tries to keep some kind of an orderly home. We try to watch a show or have a late snack or something together before going to bed, which is usually sometime between 11pm and midnight. Then we do it all over again. The weekends aren't much better; we're usually just trying to catch up on all the chores that didn't get done during the week and get ready for the next week. We manage to throw in family activities here and there, but there's almost a desperation to it: one more thing we need to fit into our lives.
This is not the life God has called us to live, and it's time to change.
We've tried making small changes, baby steps. We can make this work; it's going to be ok. But it's not. We are drowning. Sometimes, I manage to slow down and stop for a few minutes. I focus on my kids, read a book with them or play superheroes for 5 minutes; I glimpse what I'm missing before I take off running again, and it makes me hungry for more. The only thing left to do is to pull everything up by the roots and start over. This hasn't been an easy decision. We've talked about it. We've prayed about. We've talked about it some more. Just me and Omar. We probably haven't talked so much in a long time. Last Saturday, my parents took the kids to the zoo, and we spent the whole day talking (except for the 2 hours we spent watching Iron Man 3!). And we've prayed as hard as we could. We have agonized over the decision, but once we made it, it felt right. I believe that God has laid this path before us, and clearly told us to walk it, and I am finding so much peace in this as we begin to work out the details.
Omar has quit his job as a pre-K teacher. He'll finish out the school year; his last day is June 30. I've applied to drop from full time to part time status; I don't know yet if they will grant that. If not, that's ok, because it'll hopefully be just a couple more months before I quit (don't tell my boss yet!). We are moving to Texas. If we can break our lease without too much expense (any one want a roomy 2 bedroom townhome in RSM?), we'll move this summer. If we have to, we'll finish our lease and move in January. I'm keeping my contract job, working from home doing chart audits. That can move with us and help keep us going as we are in transition; I can work as much or as little as I need to and work around whatever else is going on in our lives. Omar will find a job, maybe in IT, maybe something else for a while, hopefully something with benefits, and will be working on getting some IT certifications and get into that line of work. I'm going to be a stay at home, full time mom and homeschool the kids. There are still a lot of details to work out. I am so excited, and so scared!
It's time to re-design our lives. It's time for our season of change.
I guess on the outside, our life looks great. So why the big changes? How do I even start to explain? If we try to break it down to the two simplest/biggest reasons, it would be finances and homeschooling.
Financially, we have fallen into a hole. We've had some life circumstances that have made things difficult, but I also have to be honest and admit we have not always made the wisest choices with our money. Sometimes, there is so much going on now, that we forget to plan for the later. At the moment, we are getting by...but just barely. And we'd like to do more than just get by. We'd like to pull ourselves together, get ourselves out of debt, and on the road to a more secure financial future. With the cost of living in California, it's almost impossible. Omar's parents live in Texas. They've offered us a 3 bedroom house to rent for almost half of what we are paying for our 2 bedroom townhome. Tempting? Very. But it's been offered before, and we've declined. Now, we've reached a new point of desperation in our financial situation, plus, bringing us to our second big reason, we have arrived at the decision to homeschool.
Homeschooling, to me, is a very simplified way of saying, "I want to be in my kids' lives, in a big way." I want to be more than coming home in the evening to see my kids for a couple of hours: "Hi, how was your day? What did you learn? Have some dinner. I love you. Good night." Drastically oversimplified, I know, but some nights, that's exactly what it feels like. We could go into how I am terrified of the direction our public school system is heading, and how I do not want my kids in public school and can't afford private school. It's a big part of our decision, it's true, but it's really just a side note to the fact that I am still only just realizing the full meaning of how God has blessed me with these children, entrusted them to my care, and called me to raise them, and I can't do that when I only see them 3 hours a day.
I have spent the last 4 years making excuses. I don't have the temperament to be a stay at home mom: while this may be true on the surface, I believe that God has called me for this, and He has the power to change me. I believe I will find more challenge and reward in this than I ever have at my desk job. I love my job: while I believe that God has used these last 4 years to give me the experience and knowledge that is helping me make this transition now (by enabling me to gain a work from home job), I also believe He is telling me this time in my life is over. I don't love my job anymore; the days are tedious, and I miss my kids. At least the kids are with Dad at daycare; it's almost like a stay at home parent: I can't believe I even tried to use this argument. We can't afford it: this has always been my trump card. Most arguments for a parent staying home ride on the theory that you save money on childcare; my kids have been attending daycare for free, so this argument has been invalid. We would just be losing income. Also, if I quit my full time job, we lose our health insurance (this is a big, scary thing for me; I've done private individual health insurance before; it was a horrible, bad experience.). But it has become important enough to us now to make the effort and stir us out of our comfort zone and do what we have to do to make this happen.
We got started on a slippery slope, and once we gained momentum, we couldn't stop. When William was born, I was working part time. Soon I started picking up more hours until finally switching to full time (health insurance played a big factor in the decision). Then I started getting promoted and taking on more job responsibilities that even included after hour and weekend on call. As money started getting tight, I picked up a second job. Now I work at least 10 hours most weekdays, plus some on the weekend. My husband has felt trapped in a job he no longer loves because we depend on the free childcare. If we cut back on work hours, we can't pay the bills. But working so many hours, we don't have time for anything else.
On a typical weekday, the alarm goes off around 5:30. We probably didn't go to bed until midnight, and at least one of us was probably up at least once with at least one of the children sometime during the night, so the snooze button gets hit. A lot. By the time we all get up and start getting ready, we are already late. We rush around and snap at the kids, and I feel very accomplished if I just get everyone out the door without forgetting anything and without yelling (too much). Then it's work/daycare from 8am to 5pm. Every now and then, my husband and I manage to coordinate our lunch breaks and spend a half hour together. Lately, I've been trying to get out of work as early as possible to take the kids to the park or walk around the lake. Usually, we all get home at 5pm or later. If it's a good week, I've planned dinner and all goes fairly smoothly. On a bad week, I have no idea what's for dinner, and the evenings look a lot like the morning as we all scramble around to try to find something to eat and still get the kids to bed at a decent hour. The kids go to bed around 8, and then I sit at my computer for 2-3 (sometimes 4) hours doing chart audits, while my husband cleans the kitchen and tries to keep some kind of an orderly home. We try to watch a show or have a late snack or something together before going to bed, which is usually sometime between 11pm and midnight. Then we do it all over again. The weekends aren't much better; we're usually just trying to catch up on all the chores that didn't get done during the week and get ready for the next week. We manage to throw in family activities here and there, but there's almost a desperation to it: one more thing we need to fit into our lives.
This is not the life God has called us to live, and it's time to change.
We've tried making small changes, baby steps. We can make this work; it's going to be ok. But it's not. We are drowning. Sometimes, I manage to slow down and stop for a few minutes. I focus on my kids, read a book with them or play superheroes for 5 minutes; I glimpse what I'm missing before I take off running again, and it makes me hungry for more. The only thing left to do is to pull everything up by the roots and start over. This hasn't been an easy decision. We've talked about it. We've prayed about. We've talked about it some more. Just me and Omar. We probably haven't talked so much in a long time. Last Saturday, my parents took the kids to the zoo, and we spent the whole day talking (except for the 2 hours we spent watching Iron Man 3!). And we've prayed as hard as we could. We have agonized over the decision, but once we made it, it felt right. I believe that God has laid this path before us, and clearly told us to walk it, and I am finding so much peace in this as we begin to work out the details.
Omar has quit his job as a pre-K teacher. He'll finish out the school year; his last day is June 30. I've applied to drop from full time to part time status; I don't know yet if they will grant that. If not, that's ok, because it'll hopefully be just a couple more months before I quit (don't tell my boss yet!). We are moving to Texas. If we can break our lease without too much expense (any one want a roomy 2 bedroom townhome in RSM?), we'll move this summer. If we have to, we'll finish our lease and move in January. I'm keeping my contract job, working from home doing chart audits. That can move with us and help keep us going as we are in transition; I can work as much or as little as I need to and work around whatever else is going on in our lives. Omar will find a job, maybe in IT, maybe something else for a while, hopefully something with benefits, and will be working on getting some IT certifications and get into that line of work. I'm going to be a stay at home, full time mom and homeschool the kids. There are still a lot of details to work out. I am so excited, and so scared!
It's time to re-design our lives. It's time for our season of change.
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