Grace

This post had been on my heart for a week, but now sitting in front of my computer, the words aren't coming easy.  This is a topic that has reached so far into so many aspects of our lives recently; God has been speaking to us and teaching us, and it's hard to contain all of it in a simple post.

God has been teaching us about giving grace.  As we've dealt with some people in the last few weeks, we have felt hurt, we have even felt anger, and God has told us, repeatedly, to show grace.  To show love.  It's really hard.  I have to admit, sometimes it feels good to just be angry, especially when I think I'm right.  Giving grace means letting go of the anger, accepting apologies.  Moving on without a grudge.  Love keeps no record of wrong, right? 

There was a harder lesson to learn, though.  We've also had to learn to accept grace.  It sounds easier, but it starts with letting go of our pride; being humble and admitting where we are wrong.  And we've had to come face to face with that reality in our parenting.  There have been several nights where Omar and I have laid back on the bed and just talked, feeling horrible after one of us has had a "bad parent" moment, and struggling with forgiving ourselves and accepting God's grace to move on.

Seriously, sometimes I feel like a bipolar parent.  One minute, I am the model mother: calm and collected, lovingly correcting my kids and moving them through the routines of the day.  The next moment, I've snapped, yelling and stomping around like I'm a kid myself.  Most people who know me would never think I have the type of temper I let loose in front of my kids sometimes.  Even in the middle of it, I recognize it, and it's such a struggle to reign it in and get control.  And afterwards, I'm horribly embarrassed by the way I've behaved. 

Lately, I've been dialoguing a lot with William about good choices and bad choices.  We always have a choice between good and bad.  Sometimes it's really hard to choose good; doing bad just seems easier.  Even superheroes make bad choices sometimes.  This was a hard point for William to digest, but it was a great conversation talking about how God is the only one who is all good all the time. I've been trying to teach him to take it to God; God has the power to help him make good choices and do good things.  How rewarding it has been to see him lose his temper, go into his room to pray, and come back out with an apology and improved attitude!  There's one of my "perfect mommy" moments.

But though my words have been right, I have fallen very short in modeling those behaviors to my children.  This, this is where I need God's grace most deeply in my life.  When I have to take my son on my lap with a hug and a kiss, and tell him I was wrong, and apologize for being such a mean mommy.  I have to ask God to forgive me and give me grace.  And then I have to accept it.  I have to accept that God will give me grace, that He will forgive me, and I have to allow Him to give that grace and continue to work on me and through me as I mother my children.

In those moments when I am weakest, when my temper is flying out of my control, that's where God's grace is strongest.  Even as I am teaching my son how to fall back on God, God is teaching me the same thing.  In the middle of my tantrum, I'll hear His voice, "Let go."  Let go of my pride; let go of my anger.  Accept His grace in that moment, so I can teach my kids to do the same.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9 (ESV)